I know…I’ve only been on wordpress a very short time, but there are some things about it that I just don’t like. So I’m moving to http://cogitatingonlife.blogspot.com/
Will probably delete this account in a couple of weeks, so bookmark the new site now if you don’t want to lose me. 
Well, as is typical for me, I have all these intentions to blog but never quite seem to get around to actually doing it very often. Nevertheless, I’ve had a few things on my mind the past couple of months that I’d like to blog about today. To those of you who would prefer smaller updates in larger quantities, I sincerely apologize. I seem to be more prone to large updates once in awhile. I’d like to think I make up for lack of quantity by some amount of quality, but I’m not even sure that’s true. Guess you’ll have to be the judge. Anyway, moving on…
Over the past couple of months I seem to have entered a sort of spiritual crisis time in my life. Where once before, going to church and going through the motions of being a Christian seemed “good enough” to me, it no longer seems any good at all. Oh, I suppose it’s better to go through the motions and thereby maintain some proximity to Christianity than to abandon it altogether and not even try, but just going through the motions seems so shallow to me now. Several things have contributed to my growing sense of urgency to really know God rather than simply know about God and go through the motions of serving Him.
First of all, my age is a contributing factor. No, I don’t really think of 35 as being necessarily old, but when I look back on my life and realize that I’ve always had the opportunity to really know and serve God but have failed to take advantage of those opportunities, it seems like a lot of wasted years. If I can manage to really know and serve God from this point forward, in another 35 years I’ll be seventy and it is somewhat discouraging to me to think that by the time I reach 70 I will only have really served God with half of my life. At the same time, I know that God’s Word promises that He can and will restore the years “the locust have eaten” so I’m working on my faith to believe that He can take the next 35 years of my life and make them double what they would have been without Him as director.
Another contributing factor has been thoughts of death. Not my own pending death really, just death in general and knowing that the only thing that really matters once a person dies is how they lived while they had the chance. On the negative side, the deaths of actors Heath Ledger and Brad Renfro got me to thinking about how pointless fame and fortune really are. Here are two young men who had everything by this worlds standard, but who ended up dying much too young and I have to wonder if they ever really knew happiness at all? I know God is a merciful God and it’s my hope that both of these young men made peace with God in the final moments of their lives, but every indication seems to be that they were still searching for a happiness they never found.
On a more positive note, I recently read a book about another young man who obviously found that true happiness comes from surrendering all to God and living life for Him. Sadly, this young man also died much too young, but what he accomplished in his short fifteen years far exceeds what most of accomplish in a lifetime. His name is B.J. Higgins and I highly recommend you read his story in the book, I Would Die for You. Reading this book has really had a huge impact on my desire to seek after God and to know Him in a way I never have before. The thing is, I don’t think BJ’s experience should be the exception. I think all of us have the opportunity to allow God complete control of our lives and it’s sad that so few seemingly ever make that kind of surrender. For all too long, my “surrender” has only gone so far and no further and I’m finding out that such a limited surrender is really no surrender at all. As long as I’m holding anything back, God cannot work in my life as He wants to.
So, I find myself in the midst of a transition period in my spiritual life. I wish I could say that huge changes have taken place and I’m making great strides forward. The best I can say right now is that I’ve begun to recognize a lack in my life and I’m trying to learn to seek after God, and only God, to fill that void. There are still many things that clamor for my attention and try to convince me to settle for something less than complete surrender to the will of God, but I’m actively trying to combat those “voices” through prayer and seeking God. I wish I could say my greatest hunger was for God. The best I can say right now is, I want that to become my greatest hunger and I’m asking God to make it so.
I will never do the things that BJ did during his life, but I do believe I can one day have the same kind of testimony if I will make the decision to surrender totally to God as BJ did. The biggest mistake we can make when reading about someone like BJ is to think that we can never be as good a Christian ourselves. When we do that, we end up thinking “what a nice story” and then just walk away from it and return to our lives, somewhat inspired but not changed. God didn’t show special favoritism to BJ; BJ simply discovered that any one of us can become God’s “favorite” if we simply give up our own “rights” and surrender completely to Him. The hard part is getting over ourselves; God is eager to fill us with Himself if we will simply step aside and let Him. My prayer is that God will help me to daily step aside and let Him. Not so I can find some kind of fame or fortune or blessing, but so that I can find Him and thereby become complete.
Knowing my propensity to allow despair and depression to dominate my thoughts when things don’t turn out the way I hoped they might or life isn’t going the way I imagined it would, I’ve been doing my best to take the necessary steps to prevent that from happening at this time in my life. Today I finished the book Finding Hope Again by Neil Anderson & Hal Baumchen. It’s a book, written from a Christian perspective, on how to overcome depression. Interestingly enough, when I was at the Christian bookstore the other day and decided to purchase the book I thought I was purchasing it primarily because my best friend’s mom is suffering through depression right now. Obviously God knew that I would first need to read the book for myself!
While I’ve had some suspicion and more than a little fear that my best friend Mark would soon decide to move back to Ohio again and we would no longer be roommates, I kept trying to tell myself that maybe something would change and it wouldn’t happen. About the time I purchased Neil Anderson’s book I was finding out that it probably will happen and my initial reaction was to just allow myself to be swallowed up by sadness and despair. Though I’m certain that I will still experience some measure of sadness over the next few months as Mark makes plans to move back to Ohio, I think Dr. Anderson’s book has given me the tools I need to keep that sadness from becoming despair and depression.
Beyond the material in Dr. Anderson’s book (which I plan to keep close by and review as often as necessary), I’ve begun to make a mental list of all the books I already own that I think would be helpful for me to read over the next six or seven months (Mark will likely be moving in July since our lease will be up the end of that month). I’ve long been interested in psychology and books on counseling, etc, but I’ve never really applied them to my personal situation as I should have in the past. This time around I plan to saturate my life with Scripture, prayer and reading as many of these good Christian books as I possible can. Instead of giving in to the spirit of fear, I want to simply surrender every day to Christ, including every day in the future no matter what it holds.
My biggest failure in life to date has been my failure to simply give up trying to control everything myself and just let God take control. I’ve tried to heal my homosexual attractions instead of just giving them to God and letting Him do the healing work. I’ve tried to make myself good enough to somehow become a “good Christian” instead of just surrendering myself to God and allowing Him to direct the growing process. Because I’ve been in church all my life and have so much head knowledge about Christianity, I’ve always felt like I should somehow be able to experience instant maturity by simply saying a single prayer. I’ve failed to realize that true spiritual growth can’t be rushed any more than physical growth of a child can be.
If a baby grows it is because they do the things necessary for growth one day at a time: eat, sleep, exercise, take in new information, learn new ways of responding to the their world, etc. While, as an adult, I do have the advantage of more quickly recognizing the kinds of “food” and “exercise” I need in order to grow as fast as possible spiritually, the fact remains that it is still a process and processes take time. It’s time for me to stop trying to be an instant “spiritual giant” and just start feeding on the things of God one day at a time, allowing the growth to happen according to God’s timetable instead of my own. When I set my own timetable and then fail to accomplish the goals I’ve set for myself I get discouraged and just give up trying to grow at all. It’s time for me to stop worrying about measuring my growth and just start saturating my life with God and allowing the growth to happen naturally.
In just a few short days, I’ve already begun to see an enormous difference in my attitudes and reactions to the circumstances of life I can’t control by simply surrendering each thing that comes my way to God. When thoughts of doubt, fear and despair come to my mind and try to take control I’ve simply been saying, “God, you know all about this situation and about these thoughts that are trying to overwhelm me…help me.” It may not be a very eloquent prayer, but I can already see a difference as God answers and helps me refocus my thoughts.
Nothing has changed as far as the likelihood of Mark leaving; if anything, it seems more inevitable now than ever. What has changed is my ability to focus on God and realize that the circumstances of this life are only temporary. I’ve been able to think in terms of eternity instead of just focusing on the sadness of this present life. Yes, I will be sad to see Mark go but I know that God has a plan for both our lives and that we both have a strong desire to allow God to work out that plan. If God needs Mark in Ohio and me somewhere else right now, I know we’ll both be okay in the end. God would never lead us to a place outside of His plan, no matter how hard it may be to understand or see that currently. I’d rather see Mark stay in God’s will than have him remain here and fall out of God’s will for his life. I don’t know what God’s plan is ultimately, but I do know that whatever it is will be best for both me and Mark in the long run.
Additionally, God has helped me begin to count my blessings as a way of keeping my focus positive. I realize just how blessed I am to have such a wonderful Christian family and to have so many wonderful Christian friends. And I also feel blessed that Mark and I will have had two years together as roommates to get better acquainted and allow our friendship to deepen. I also feel blessed to be living in a time when phones, email and airplanes mean that continuing our friendship even after Mark moves away will be much less complicated than it would otherwise have been. And today it seemed like God decided to send an extra blessing my way: I hadn’t really thought much about logging in to check on final grades for the semester I just completed with Liberty University until this morning. I honestly didn’t even think they would be posted this quickly, but they were. Instead of the 3 As and 1 B that I was expecting, I found out that I actually ended up with 4 As! The grading in the one class was so complicated that I really didn’t feel like trying to do the math to see if I could figure the grade out on my own, I just assumed it was probably going to be a B. Imagine how excited I was this morning to find out it was an A. I don’t say that to brag on myself in any way, believe me, if it weren’t for God’s help I never could have gotten through any of the classes. I know it is a blessing from God that He has given me this opportunity to study and learn and that it has been His help all along the way that has enabled me to do as well as I have.
Well, that’s a few of my Christmas blessings. I expect to have more to write about soon. Beyond helping me to re-focus, God has also shown me many possibilities for the future and how He may be able to use me in various ways to minster His grace and love to others. I can’t wait to share some of those things as they develop. I hope that everyone who reads this has a very Merry Christmas and, most of all, that you know the Christ whose birth we celebrate. If you don’t, you can. God bless!
Steven
When I first thought about the idea of starting over with this blog, I had this idea that I was only going to post meaningful and thought-provoking stuff in my sane moments so that this blog wouldn’t turn into the sort of heart-on-my-sleeve kind of stuff I’ve written so much in the past. Well, maybe someday I’ll get more sane, but for now I don’t know what else to write about except what is going on in my life and most of that seems closer to insanity than sanity. So my apologies to those of you who were hoping for something more profound; I guess I’m just the same old “too honest at times” person I’ve always been. With that said, it’s time to tackle the insanity that is my life right now. Where to begin…?
As most of you reading this will already know, I’ve struggled my whole life with same-sex attractions and homosexuality. I’ve read books and listened to tapes and watched videos and gone to seminars and conferences, even spoke at a conference myself once, all in an attempt to figure out this part of my life and how best to deal with it all in light of my Christian belief system. At times I’ve found myself totally dedicated to eradicating every homosexual thought, temptation, feeling and desire from my life and I’ve worked hard at trying to accomplish that. Other times I’ve grown weary of continuing to struggle with temptations day after day despite all my efforts to combat that part of my life and I’ve just given up and taken the attitude that maybe I would just pursue “being gay.”
In recent days I’ve felt like I’ve found a more happy medium, but now it feels like my happy medium is on the verge of being torn to shreds again and I’m left with tears streaming down my face and wondering what in the world God is up to and what He wants me to learn from going through this trial by fire for what seems like the millionth time in my life. It’s in times like these that I find myself asking “God, why does this continue? Don’t I deserve a break, just once? Can’t I ever find peace in all of this? Will I ever find rest and contentment and love?”
I know in my head that it is precisely in times like this that God wants to teach me about true love and about true faith and what it really means to trust Him with everything. But what do you do when your heart refuses to catch up with your head? My heart only sees the loneliness and confusion and fear. My head says “get a grip Steven, you know you have to surrender this all to God and learn to trust Him even in the difficult times” but my heart just bleeds and aches and hurts and wants to lose itself in self-pity and tears.
Part of what has helped me find a happy medium in recent months is the fact that I’ve had a very close friend who is also my roommate. Our relationship is not a sexual one; he is my best friend and living with him has helped me understand how two men can learn to be good friends without sex as a part of the equation. More than anything, I’ve longed for that kind of friendship with another guy and in many respects life seemed perfect for awhile. But then I went through losing my job unfairly just a few days after losing my grandfather and I spiraled back down into depression all over again. That was several months ago. In recent weeks, things were back on the upswing and I really thought I could put it all behind me and move on once again. Now there are new circumstances in my life that threaten to rob me of my joy and send me crashing back into the abyss all over again.
My best friend moved seven hours west to become my roommate, but now it looks like he may be going back where he came from. Though part of me says I should just pack my bags and move with him, I’m not sure that it’s the right thing to do. Part of me almost feels like I should move with him; even feels guilty for not being excited about the idea. I mean, he did leave everything and move here to be with me, why shouldn’t I be willing to do that for him? The problem is, I just don’t know if it’s the right thing for me or not. I don’t think there’s really any question in my mind that I’m willing to move with him. If it were just about me and what I wanted I don’t think I’d even struggle with the idea of moving with him. The problem is, it’s not just about me and I don’t know what to do.
The little boy in me just wishes it would all go away, that the circumstances in my friend’s life that may cause him to leave would just disappear and he would decide to stay and life could go on as it has been. But maybe it’s time for that little boy to grow up. Maybe God is trying to show me that I need to take my hands off this situation and let Him decide what is best for my friend instead of me selfishly holding on and trying to keep him here just for me.
I love my friend and I do want what is best for him. I also want what is best for both of us in terms of finding God’s will and doing it. I’d rather we both made it to heaven where we can be friends forever than remain roommates for the rest of our lives and one or both of us miss heaven. The problem is learning to let go.
Maybe I’m being premature. Nothing has been decided for sure yet; anything is still possible. Perhaps I’m just jumping the gun and assuming the worst and things will end up working out better than I’m thinking they will. I don’t want to be all doom and gloom, I just don’t know how to work through some of these things in my life without just “talking” them out and that’s what I’m attempting to do with this blog entry. Blogging is probably the best therapist I have in my life right now; it’s certainly the cheapest.
The bottom line is, I do want what is best for my friend. And I want to learn to trust God and learn to go after the things He knows is best for me even if I can’t see the benefits right now. I don’t want to deny myself or my friend some healing work that God is trying to do in our lives by holding on to my own selfish desires and not leaving any room for God to work. I just wish it weren’t so painful at times. How many tears do I have to cry? How many hours of heart-wrenching loneliness? How long will I have to endure the gaping void in the middle of my chest that longs to be filled with something…anything…
I want to learn to let God fill all the voids in my life. I want to learn to love and experience Christ’s love in my life. And I want to always love my friends enough to let them go whenever true love requires it. I just wish it didn’t hurt quite so much.
